January, 2006
Catholic Spirit - January, 2006
Lessons in forgiveness and healing
By Barbare Budde
Guest Columnist
Marietta Jaeger-Lane is a woman with a straight back and strong jaw, though I wonder how bowed her back may have been and how low her head fell the night her young daughter was snatched from the family tent during a vacation in Montana over 30 years ago. Marietta described the last time she saw her daughter, when Susie climbed out of her sleeping bag to give her mom a real hug and kiss.
Marietta belongs to the Journey of Hope, an organization led by murder victims’ family members who seek alternatives to the death penalty. Their program, From Violence to Healing, traveled through Texas during October, and Marietta described the hatred and violence she felt for her daughter’s abductor and killer. For months after Susie was taken from her tent in that well-lit camp ground, Marietta knew that if she ever met the person who did it, she would kill him on the spot with her bare hands.
However, Marietta was and is a woman of great faith, and she brought her grief and pain to God. Through prayer and conversations with other Catholics, Marietta came to the point where she could at least invite God to heal the hatred and violence in her — because it was doing nothing to help her daughter be found and it was doing nothing to the abductor of her daughter. Instead, the hatred and violence she clung to was eating at her soul. “God is gracious,” Marietta explains. “God waits for us to invite God to begin the healing process of forgiveness.”
A year to the day that her daughter was abducted, Marietta received a call from the perpetrator. He wanted to taunt her. What he did not expect was the peace, calm and forgiveness he encountered in Marietta. It unnerved him so badly that in the course of the conversation he gave Marietta information that led the police to find and arrest him.
Marietta’s was not the only story of healing and forgiveness during the program. Juan Melendez spoke of the forgiveness process he underwent as a condemned death row inmate who was innocent of the crime for which he was convicted. He had to forgive the people within the justice system that imprisoned him for over 17 years, even after it was finally discovered that the prosecutor had hidden clear evidence of his innocence. He is lucky to be alive, because under a law called procedural bar, actual proof of innocence can be barred from any appeal because “too much time has elapsed.”
This means that if a prosecutor successfully ignores evidence or if a defense attorney is not rigorous enough in uncovering evidence of innocence and the time limit expires, then it is possible for an innocent person to be executed. Melendez is lucky to be alive and lucky that a judge in Florida was willing to examine the new evidence and vacate his earlier conviction. Without bitterness or anger, Melendez only speaks about the rediscovery of his faith and the importance of forgiveness.
For members of the Journey of Hope, whether they are murder victim’s families, like Marietta Jaeger-Lane, exonerated prisoners like Juan Melendez, or others involved with the death penalty, there is no closure. There is always a sense of loss. But there is also healing and forgiveness. By relying on the forgiveness and mercy of God, they have all come to a place of peace. Their stories are a reminder that forgiveness is a process, not an instantaneous event. God guides the process of forgiveness and never forces it, and refusing to allow God to work in us only hurts us in the end.
To read more about the Journey of Hope, Marietta Jaeger-Lane, Juan Melendez and others, visit www.journeyofhope.org. To read more about procedural bar, read Dale Rencinella’s article “Why U.S. Catholics Must Say No to the Death Penalty,” “America” magazine, Nov. 1, 2004.
Barbara Budde works for Catholic Charities as director of the Office of Parish Social Ministry.
A teen’s response
By Grace King
Guest Columnist
Many times in life we encounter situations in which it is difficult to be forgiving. Sometimes it is easier to hold a grudge, seek revenge on others, turn away from God, to do what we think will make us feel better or become “even” with our intimidator. God reveals to us the meaning of forgiveness through Jesus Christ. Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice for the world to be forgiven of all sin. Though we may encounter countless wrongdoings against us in life, God calls us to be always merciful and forgiving to others no matter what grievances they have caused us.
The people in “Lessons in forgiveness and healing” forgave tremendous wrongs that were horrific to experience, as in Marietta Jaeger-Lane’s case. The injustice perpetrated against Juan Melendez reminds us that we will not always be treated fairly or get what we think we deserve. Because many of the wrongs committed to most of us are not this immense, shouldn’t it be easier for us to forgive others?
So many people experience small wrongs and are unable to forgive. In my high school, students often start violent fights that begin with small matters, such as harsh words or mean looks. Something small can escalate into violence and injury because those involved do not take time to forgive each other. Their anger momentarily obscures their judgment, and they forget that just as they have been forgiven in their own lives, they should do likewise. God calls us to be forgiving and merciful always, as he is, no matter how big the sin.
We see in both of these cases that Marietta and Juan had to allow God’s grace to work in them to begin the process of forgiveness. Marietta wished vengeance upon her daughter’s murderer initially, but eventually realized that this would not bring her healing. Instead it merely brought her down closer to her daughter’s murderer’s level.
Marietta and Juan made the choice to forgive horrible wrongs. This takes absolute faith in God and courage. For instance, when Pope John Paul II was shot by his would-be assassin in 1981, he visited his shooter’s jail cell and forgave him. Pope John Paul II was a man of great faith, wisdom, and understanding, and was able to accept God’s graces and choose to forgive.
Ultimately, the stories from “Lessons in forgiveness and healing” and Pope John Paul II’s are seemingly unbelievable. One may wonder how these people can forgive such horrible wrongs. Undoubtedly they looked to God for healing, peace and guidance as to how to forgive. We must always remember to look to the cross to find peace during difficulty. Jesus Christ is always waiting for us, with his arms outstretched, to shower his grace upon us — the grace to forgive.
Grace King is 17 years old and the daughter of Peggy and Dan King. She is a junior at A&M Consolidated High School and member of St. Thomas Aquinas Parish in College Station, where she participates in the youth group and plays the cello in the choir. Last summer Grace attended World Youth Day in Cologne, Germany.
Grace King is 17 years old and the daughter of Peggy and Dan King. She is a junior at A&M Consolidated High School and member of St. Thomas Aquinas Parish in College Station, where she participates in the youth group and plays the cello in the choir. Last summer Grace attended World Youth Day in Cologne, Germany.
Meditation on Forgiveness
Our loving Father, who created us in his image and likeness, constantly forgives our offenses against him and calls us to forgive others too. The following Scripture passages show how serious Jesus is about forgiveness and how necessary it is for our salvation.
Forgiveness does not mean we forget or discount what happened to us, or trust the person who did us harm. Rather it means that we choose to let God remove the poison that the offense left within us. We are willing to welcome God’s healing grace and pray for those who have harmed us.
“If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
But if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your transgressions.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
“When you stand to pray, forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance, so that your heavenly Father may in turn forgive you your transgressions.” (Mark 11:25)
“Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. Stop judging and you will not be judged. Stop condemning and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:36-37)